December 25, 2011
December 21, 2011
Will there be another 6 month search for my next supervisor? That's how long it took last time.
December 20, 2011
The week progresses. I still know what I want. That one purse still thrills me. Quilting still interests me. Why does starting a business have to be so expensive? And complicated?
December 14, 2011
What happened? What's going on? It's like a switch has been flipped and everything is good now. So is that The Secret? Faith + Belief + Self-Reliance.
December 11, 2011
December 8, 2011
Well, so far, I am not taking better care of myself. I suspect that I will need to concentrate on my health next year.
1) Curtail TV viewing
2) Walk
3) Yoga
4) Bike
5) Meditation
6) Prayer
I have all the tools I need. I have access to all kinds of experts. All I need to do is start. After all, I know what I want.
1) Curtail TV viewing
2) Walk
3) Yoga
4) Bike
5) Meditation
6) Prayer
I have all the tools I need. I have access to all kinds of experts. All I need to do is start. After all, I know what I want.
December 6, 2011
OK, buckling down it is. I had my physical on Friday and the doctor says my cholesterol went way up. (270+) But I did not gain weight. The only good part since my blood pressure also went up. And on top of Tom's news, just not a good thing. As the story goes Tom went to the ER last Thursday with Atrial Fibrillation and had to stay several hours before they let him loose. This really is not good since he is all of 47. Too much hard work and food I think.
November 27, 2011
A little more research, a little more to think about. I looked up a shoulder stabilization contraption that I could probably make for Buddy. So there is a variety of items that I could manufacture as a small business owner.
More thinking.
One of the barrier I need to deal with is to find a smoke-free environment. I cannot advertise that way as long as I am living with Susan. This means move out or rent a work space. Either way it is an expensive decision.
More thinking.
One of the barrier I need to deal with is to find a smoke-free environment. I cannot advertise that way as long as I am living with Susan. This means move out or rent a work space. Either way it is an expensive decision.
November 26, 2011
November 25, 2011
So now I know what to focus on. Sewing and owning a home. My next step is focus and research. It is time to start filling out the paperwork and making the first decisions.
November 24, 2011
Happy Birthday!!
Happy Thanksgiving Day!
I drove out to Gilbert and visited with Dad. Tom and his sons came over and we had Thanksgiving dinner at Golden Corral.
Happy Thanksgiving Day!
I drove out to Gilbert and visited with Dad. Tom and his sons came over and we had Thanksgiving dinner at Golden Corral.
November 22, 2011
Happy Birthday, Jessi!
Twenty-one years ago today my niece Jessika Tee Miller was born. Now she can partake of certain adult beverages LEGALLY.
So, here I am. More than half way through this cycle and again I am coming up with bupkiss. According to some informed people I am not working toward what I want because I do not know what I want to do.
I know one of my wants. I want to sew for the next 30 or so years. Also, #2, I want my own home. Those are the absolutes.
Next step?
Twenty-one years ago today my niece Jessika Tee Miller was born. Now she can partake of certain adult beverages LEGALLY.
So, here I am. More than half way through this cycle and again I am coming up with bupkiss. According to some informed people I am not working toward what I want because I do not know what I want to do.
I know one of my wants. I want to sew for the next 30 or so years. Also, #2, I want my own home. Those are the absolutes.
Next step?
November 12, 2011
November 8, 2011
OMG!!! This day has been one horror after another. And I feel like hell. I am feeling a little anxious and generally upset. But if anyone were to ask me how I feel I would probably say OK. Why? Why do I do that?
And now, Dad is trying to tell me to hold off on retirement. But 2 more years of this is really going to drive me batty.
Why can't I just sew for the next 30+ years? Really. I don't think it's asking too much.
And now, Dad is trying to tell me to hold off on retirement. But 2 more years of this is really going to drive me batty.
Why can't I just sew for the next 30+ years? Really. I don't think it's asking too much.
November 1, 2011
Happy All Saint's Day!
I like my job and it's a bog worth doing well. But I do not love my job. I love sewing and I can sew well if I take my time. So I know what to do for a part-time job. Not I just need to figure out the details. Work for someone else? Start a business of my own? I want to learn how to work with leather.
I like my job and it's a bog worth doing well. But I do not love my job. I love sewing and I can sew well if I take my time. So I know what to do for a part-time job. Not I just need to figure out the details. Work for someone else? Start a business of my own? I want to learn how to work with leather.
October 31, 2011
Happy All Hallow's Eve!
I made it all the way to Halloween. I have made a few changes. I now set the meditation timer at 9:00 when I go to bed. However, I will have to make sure that the phone is plugged in as this drains the battery.
I made a first rough version of my "Martha Bag." It needs to be a little bigger and interfaced better. So I have started to redraft the pattern and am adding an interfacing page.
I made it all the way to Halloween. I have made a few changes. I now set the meditation timer at 9:00 when I go to bed. However, I will have to make sure that the phone is plugged in as this drains the battery.
I made a first rough version of my "Martha Bag." It needs to be a little bigger and interfaced better. So I have started to redraft the pattern and am adding an interfacing page.
October 23, 2011
October 19, 2011
I'm losing it. I am absolutely losing it. I will take the desipramine again tonight. But I am outright losing it.
October 11, 2011
I put a meditation timer on my phone. Now I don't have to go looking for the YouTube version. I listened to it at lunch time and again now at the front desk. Don't know about anybody else but it us helping me.
I took a 4 day weekend over this holiday. And I feel quite good. Almost yummy in fact. While Susie and I were out shopping I kept looking at bling type stuff. I was finding it quite attractive. That is unusual for me.
I took a 4 day weekend over this holiday. And I feel quite good. Almost yummy in fact. While Susie and I were out shopping I kept looking at bling type stuff. I was finding it quite attractive. That is unusual for me.
October 9, 2011
October 5, 2011
My eyes were opened to a new vision yesterday. I have seen how much leeway has been given to me. And I feel bad for Stephanie. Perhaps when I win the lottery I'll offer her a job as my Personal Assistant.
October 3, 2011
My big chance to give up coffee has arrived! I just hope I don't kill too many people in the process.
I successfully meditated on Saturday. And it went so quickly. I hardly knew the time had gone by.
I successfully meditated on Saturday. And it went so quickly. I hardly knew the time had gone by.
October 1, 2011
September 30, 2011
Tomorrow starts the last cycle for this year. I'm not sure what I will be doing yet. Meditation keeps popping into my head so probably that will become my focus.
September 27, 2011
88 days to Christmas! Enjoy your day. I had the opportunity to do some seam ripping this morning. Our receptionist had to take her daughter to the dentist so I got to phone sit.
September 26, 2011
BLEH!
Too much bill not enough money. I got my retirement info in the mail over the weekend. The retirement qualifiers have changed. I qualify for early retirement now and normal 80 point retirement in 2013. More to think about.
Too much bill not enough money. I got my retirement info in the mail over the weekend. The retirement qualifiers have changed. I qualify for early retirement now and normal 80 point retirement in 2013. More to think about.
September 24, 2011
WOW!! Dad is tired. Susie is nagging at me. I'm trying to catch up. And people just keep yap, yap, yapping at me like they are the most important part of my life. Well, the problem is that you are not more important than me when it comes to my life. So, suck it!
September 23, 2011
September 22, 2011
What a day this has been. People are getting sick and dropping like flies. I will be out tomorrow and trying to battle a cold. I need to find a better decongestant. and I am still hung up on winning the lottery.
September 20, 2011
So, I'm not having fun. I may have "stumbled" onto something. I enjoy a lot of things ... but am I having fun? I'm thinking there is a difference. Does enjoyment = fun?
Maybe I should start by writing down the definition of fun.
Enjoyment or amusement: pleasure
Playful, often noisy activity
Yes, by this definition I do have fun.
Maybe I should start by writing down the definition of fun.
Enjoyment or amusement: pleasure
Playful, often noisy activity
Yes, by this definition I do have fun.
September 19, 2011
I am almost at the end of this 3rd cycle and I have bupkiss to show. I had one lucid dream that I did not write down, all I have are a few notes. and I still do not have love in my heart. And the next cycle covers a bunch of holidays and I don't know how much I will be able to do.
And now we might be loosing our reception temp. She isn't having fun anymore and that is one of the reasons workers stay. When the fun stops the dedication needs to take over. I know she has dedication in her but don't know if it will apply to the job.
I stopped having fun years ago. Hm ...
And now we might be loosing our reception temp. She isn't having fun anymore and that is one of the reasons workers stay. When the fun stops the dedication needs to take over. I know she has dedication in her but don't know if it will apply to the job.
I stopped having fun years ago. Hm ...
September 16, 2011
It isn't everyday that I have an opportunity to experience another culture. The Hispanic community is so close and yet so far away.
September 13, 2011
AAUUGGHH!! This week is a dud already and it just started HELP!
I was to cry because I feel frustrated. And the good thing is I know what to do about that. I am facing the task of telling Sheila she needs to get the kids to help her and Bill with the house.
I find myself in a work environment where I cannot truly express myself.
OCD is no longer a viable rescue. It never was.
I really, really hate my job today.
Should I apply for a job that I actually cannot be hired into? No. That sounds like spinning my wheels. There are a couple of other jobs on the State list I do qualify for. I will explore those areas further.
I was to cry because I feel frustrated. And the good thing is I know what to do about that. I am facing the task of telling Sheila she needs to get the kids to help her and Bill with the house.
I find myself in a work environment where I cannot truly express myself.
OCD is no longer a viable rescue. It never was.
I really, really hate my job today.
Should I apply for a job that I actually cannot be hired into? No. That sounds like spinning my wheels. There are a couple of other jobs on the State list I do qualify for. I will explore those areas further.
September 6, 2011
So far today is a stinker and this doesn't even involve the killer cat. I was supposed to start house sitting for Sheila and Bill today, BUT they are having a minor emergency so the start date on their vacation has been pushed back a little. We hope.
And this day has gone from bad to worse. I spilled my water all over a table in the lunchroom. Bernadette helped me clean it up and she is just a marvelous example of the right attitude. But I am sunk and sinking further. So when I get home I will have to communicate with Susie!!!
And this day has gone from bad to worse. I spilled my water all over a table in the lunchroom. Bernadette helped me clean it up and she is just a marvelous example of the right attitude. But I am sunk and sinking further. So when I get home I will have to communicate with Susie!!!
August 31, 2011
Susan made it to work today ... miracles happen. I hope it takes this time.
I really want to be at home sewing. I will try to take a few days off while I am house sitting for Sheila.
I am hoping to finish Ernie's quilt and make some real headway on current projects. I was looking at my Quilt List on the computer and I have lots of work to do.
I really want to be at home sewing. I will try to take a few days off while I am house sitting for Sheila.
I am hoping to finish Ernie's quilt and make some real headway on current projects. I was looking at my Quilt List on the computer and I have lots of work to do.
August 27, 2011
August 26, 2011
Susan! Susan!! Susan!!!
I am sick and tired of Susan. I need a break and I'm sure she needs a break, too.
And - YAY! - I have been sewing. I made a skirt to wear to church with Dad and to work (maybe). I still need to hem it but it is reversable and I will probably make another. and I finally finished the applique block and the lilac block. So now I can move on to the next blockes on those quilts.
So, Susan, has colitis and has been having lots of issues. Last weekend, the doctor did another colonoscopy and found a polyp. The polyp was not there a few months ago when she got out of Valley Hospital. Her doctor also took several samples since she is having this recur. Then on Tuesday she called and told him she still had a large amount of pain in her upper left abdomen. So on Wednesday they did an endoscopy and the verdict it gastritis. So now she has another reason to quit smoking. Any takers on a bet for that happening?
I am sick and tired of Susan. I need a break and I'm sure she needs a break, too.
And - YAY! - I have been sewing. I made a skirt to wear to church with Dad and to work (maybe). I still need to hem it but it is reversable and I will probably make another. and I finally finished the applique block and the lilac block. So now I can move on to the next blockes on those quilts.
So, Susan, has colitis and has been having lots of issues. Last weekend, the doctor did another colonoscopy and found a polyp. The polyp was not there a few months ago when she got out of Valley Hospital. Her doctor also took several samples since she is having this recur. Then on Tuesday she called and told him she still had a large amount of pain in her upper left abdomen. So on Wednesday they did an endoscopy and the verdict it gastritis. So now she has another reason to quit smoking. Any takers on a bet for that happening?
August 22, 2011
Happy Birthday, Dad!
I am a little more than half way through this cycle and I still am not having consistant lucid dreams. Not only that but Susan is sick and not able to work right now. The doctor did another colonoscopy and found a polyp. the polyp was removed and several sampler were taken.
BUT ... drumroll please ... I did get some sewing done.
I am a little more than half way through this cycle and I still am not having consistant lucid dreams. Not only that but Susan is sick and not able to work right now. The doctor did another colonoscopy and found a polyp. the polyp was removed and several sampler were taken.
BUT ... drumroll please ... I did get some sewing done.
August 12, 2011
Susan has been home the whole entire week. Last night when I got home I told her I needed a break and went upstairs. I was able to get some of that stuff done on the computer that I needed to. Now I can take it to Goodwill. As it turns out, it is not that difficult to remove a hard drive.
To top it all off, I am noticing a connection between sugar and hot flashes. *!?&@-
+~#%}[:"
And a good thing to report. Earlier, I had made arrangements to meet with an old friend last Sunday. I really had a good time. Her name is Liz and I first met her when my family moved to Idaho. I was in the 5th grade. I hated that we had moved to Idaho. I hated that I had to take a bus instead of walking around the corner and down the street. I hated that my body was changing and had started my cycle. I hated getting a beauty mark. I really hated a lot of things. and Liz was one of the other students that was nice to me. She was friendly and happy and smart. I liked her.
To top it all off, I am noticing a connection between sugar and hot flashes. *!?&@-
+~#%}[:"
And a good thing to report. Earlier, I had made arrangements to meet with an old friend last Sunday. I really had a good time. Her name is Liz and I first met her when my family moved to Idaho. I was in the 5th grade. I hated that we had moved to Idaho. I hated that I had to take a bus instead of walking around the corner and down the street. I hated that my body was changing and had started my cycle. I hated getting a beauty mark. I really hated a lot of things. and Liz was one of the other students that was nice to me. She was friendly and happy and smart. I liked her.
August 7, 2011
August 4, 2011
I am pretty much a complete failure. It's like evertime I do something for me or something that takes me away from Susan she has a complete meltdown. Yesterday, her colitis was flaring up so she stayed home. She called me to come home about 2:30. When I got there she was laying down on the couch. I made her sit up and there she was rocking back and forth, crying, saying she felt like she was in a hole, holding the hem of her skirt. OMG!
And I failed. I failed to take her to the hosiptal. I failed to call 911 to take her to the hospital. She did manage to calm down and eat. But I failed on a grand scale. Hugely. Enormous.
And I failed. I failed to take her to the hosiptal. I failed to call 911 to take her to the hospital. She did manage to calm down and eat. But I failed on a grand scale. Hugely. Enormous.
August 3, 2011
Had some really fun dreams a few nights ago. I am still working on getting my lucid dreams back. And I did have a semi-lucid dream last week. As I was waking up I realized I was dreaming. But it was not the realization of the dream state that woke me up. It was my regular wake up time.
One again, I am comeing up to the idea of givingup. This is the tough part of living with someone that is depressed. And it doesn't help any that I am also depressed.
One again, I am comeing up to the idea of givingup. This is the tough part of living with someone that is depressed. And it doesn't help any that I am also depressed.
August 2, 2011
The reception desk is much busier these days. I haven't had 8 calls on hold yet but it is much busier than a few months ago.
My therapy does seem to be working. My emotions are not as down as they were. The prozac and desipramine seem to be working. But I think I have had enough of this "hot" thing.
My therapy does seem to be working. My emotions are not as down as they were. The prozac and desipramine seem to be working. But I think I have had enough of this "hot" thing.
August 1, 2011
So, we have had a temp receptionist for a week. She seems to be working out. I know that part of her pay is going to the temp agency. If she stays long enough it might become a permanent position. I guess I could always hope.
July 24, 2011
July 22, 2011
AUGH!!! I am being tested. And while God promises that noting is beyond my limits ... it's sure beginning to feel beyond and beyond.
Goodbye Hilaria.
Cryptic, yes. But needful. If she wants to contact me she knows how. We had some good times and for a while she was able to help me. I thought for a long time that she was y friend. As it turns out, not so much.
Now is when I miss having that close donfidant that I cant alk with. What is the issue? Why don't I have that in my life? I'll bet it has something to do with not letting people in ... Time to remove another brick, I see.
It's like everything I let someone in I get screwed over.
Goodbye Hilaria.
Cryptic, yes. But needful. If she wants to contact me she knows how. We had some good times and for a while she was able to help me. I thought for a long time that she was y friend. As it turns out, not so much.
Now is when I miss having that close donfidant that I cant alk with. What is the issue? Why don't I have that in my life? I'll bet it has something to do with not letting people in ... Time to remove another brick, I see.
It's like everything I let someone in I get screwed over.
July 21, 2011
I am missing Hilaria these days. She is usually good for a little pick me up or advice.
July 18, 2011
I am really trying to be more positive and up beat. After a drunken weekend this is difficult. It will happen. It will, it will, it will. I usually don't drink that much. But now and again I do like to tie one on. The problem is that it contributes to my dysthymia.
July 16, 2011
July 15, 2011
WTF!?
Try and do something nice in the office. Go ahead, just try. I had made some "give a smile" flyers and posted them in various areas around the office. That was on the 13th. On the 14th I saw that some of the smiles were being given away. and now this morning one of the flyers was crumpled up and left in my trash can. Humpf!
This WILL NOT dissuade me from my commitment to help make things a little nicer in the office.
It would be interesting to find out if compulsive behaviors are noted in my ancestory.
Try and do something nice in the office. Go ahead, just try. I had made some "give a smile" flyers and posted them in various areas around the office. That was on the 13th. On the 14th I saw that some of the smiles were being given away. and now this morning one of the flyers was crumpled up and left in my trash can. Humpf!
This WILL NOT dissuade me from my commitment to help make things a little nicer in the office.
It would be interesting to find out if compulsive behaviors are noted in my ancestory.
July 14, 2011
So much for a fresh start ...
I am supposed to be working on keeping peace in my heart. But another part of me is insisting on lucid dreams. So dreaming it is. What, might you ask, is a lucid dream? it is a dream where the sleeper wakes up in the dream and is aware that they are dreaming. This is something I have been doing since my early teens. and thin in my 30's I learned of a book by Stephen Laberge and started to actively practice and record my lucid dreams. Then sometime in my 40's I got sick. There was a summer where I had a series of viral infections. My health took a serious turn for the worse and a lot of my daily activities went by the wayside. And now that I have received a couple of definetive diagnoese and am getting the correct treatment my health is improving. and my dreams are coming back.
:-)
I am supposed to be working on keeping peace in my heart. But another part of me is insisting on lucid dreams. So dreaming it is. What, might you ask, is a lucid dream? it is a dream where the sleeper wakes up in the dream and is aware that they are dreaming. This is something I have been doing since my early teens. and thin in my 30's I learned of a book by Stephen Laberge and started to actively practice and record my lucid dreams. Then sometime in my 40's I got sick. There was a summer where I had a series of viral infections. My health took a serious turn for the worse and a lot of my daily activities went by the wayside. And now that I have received a couple of definetive diagnoese and am getting the correct treatment my health is improving. and my dreams are coming back.
:-)
July 8, 2011
Still not feeling peace in my heart. and after talkig to Lynda ... OMG! I am seeing a comedy of errors developing and now I am experiencing gleeful anticipation.
July 7, 2011
Day 7 of the third cycle and this cycle is dedicated to peace. So I try and feel peace in my heart everyday. So far - bupkiss.
So, is there a good way to put peace in my heart? I meditated a little at lunch but I feel like calm is all I achieved. The good idea will be to try again later.
So, is there a good way to put peace in my heart? I meditated a little at lunch but I feel like calm is all I achieved. The good idea will be to try again later.
June 30, 2011
Today I feel like being The Joker from "The Dark Knight." I really enjoy that version of the character. Fortunately, this shall pass.
This has been an odd week. Monday was OK. Around midnight, however, Buddy's barking got to the pitch and urgency that propts me to check things out. So I got up and there was a helicopter searching the area. But then I couldn't get back to sleep. I was basically up all night. This made me was too tired to go to work. Wednesday was an off day for everyone. Lots of people commented on the strangeness of the day. This is Thursday and it still feels off.
This has been an odd week. Monday was OK. Around midnight, however, Buddy's barking got to the pitch and urgency that propts me to check things out. So I got up and there was a helicopter searching the area. But then I couldn't get back to sleep. I was basically up all night. This made me was too tired to go to work. Wednesday was an off day for everyone. Lots of people commented on the strangeness of the day. This is Thursday and it still feels off.
June 27, 2011
117 is the unofficial high at KTAR today. This will possibly be the hottest day this year. and the really hot days tend to happen during the last few days in June. Some of you might remember the year we went 120 and the 122. For me, the weather is most miserable when our night itme low is in the 90's.
June 26, 2011
June 24, 2011
Interestingly enough I feel much better now that I have a supervisor. I work much better this way. This is the second time I have written about having a supervisor so it must be important to me.
June 22, 2011
Had my Grandpa Miller survived he would be 109 today. Happy Birthday, Grandpa. We will be having a talk one day ...
I am feeling a bit out-of-sorts. You know, the kind where you don't want to do anything. And not even my favorite activity will help me out. Even $1Million cannot help this.
There is not enough _________ in the world to resolve the way I feel right now.
I am feeling a bit out-of-sorts. You know, the kind where you don't want to do anything. And not even my favorite activity will help me out. Even $1Million cannot help this.
There is not enough _________ in the world to resolve the way I feel right now.
June 21, 2011
Well, after 4 candy bars and a full on pout I appear to have adjusted to Kelly being gone. But now I am seriously thirsty.
OK, so in an effort to make my life more beautiful I am keeping a couple of books to cut up. They have some nice photos of the Sistine Chapel and the English countryside. I need to do something to elevate my outlook.
I nee to continue meditation. I worked on "Deep Pool" most of last week. I read through "The Goddess Within" yesterday but did not have my earphones so did not fo any further. One of the cd's I brought home from Dad's was not suitable for meditation even though it was labeled as such.
OK, so in an effort to make my life more beautiful I am keeping a couple of books to cut up. They have some nice photos of the Sistine Chapel and the English countryside. I need to do something to elevate my outlook.
I nee to continue meditation. I worked on "Deep Pool" most of last week. I read through "The Goddess Within" yesterday but did not have my earphones so did not fo any further. One of the cd's I brought home from Dad's was not suitable for meditation even though it was labeled as such.
June 20, 2011
I miss Kelly. Hopefully, I will not do a whole depression over this. She is not responding well to the PT and there is new evidence of MS type plaques in her brain. This is something that has come up after this last surgery. This makes me so sad.
June 16, 2011
OK. So, I am reading this book, "Delivering Happiness" a sort of biography by Tony Hsieh, the guy that just sold zappo's for $1Billion. Some of what Mr Hsieh srites about is very familiar to me. I can recall quite clearly some of the events he describes. I kind of feel like this was supposed to be a part of myu life. So now I have some parental resentment to deal with. And I probably won't be able to post this message on my blog while Dad is still alive.
June 11, 2011
June 10, 2011
I still feel energized not anxious. I have happy days in sync with what's going on around me. I am still working toward opening my own business, so I feel like I am making forward progress.
I want to see Linda and have lunch with her and brainstorm. I really, really miss her. I still wish I was part of her daily life. Living with Susan at this time is where I am supposed to be. And Susan has taught me a lot. And when it is time for me to move on I will miss her too. Their energies are very different.
I want to see Linda and have lunch with her and brainstorm. I really, really miss her. I still wish I was part of her daily life. Living with Susan at this time is where I am supposed to be. And Susan has taught me a lot. And when it is time for me to move on I will miss her too. Their energies are very different.
June 8, 2011
After reaffirming my intent yesterday I am feeling much better. I did some more planning and studying as well as a bit of research.
So with Buffy's assistance I will continue to work towards my goal. I really feel calm and motivated when I put my focus on a start up. This tells me I am on the right path. Yeah! I love finding a source for quiet energy.
So with Buffy's assistance I will continue to work towards my goal. I really feel calm and motivated when I put my focus on a start up. This tells me I am on the right path. Yeah! I love finding a source for quiet energy.
June 7, 2011
I still want to start up a business. Buffy is helping me. I think she helped me grow up. I am still very much in the planning stages of this.
I need to do time studies. And I need to make samples and get market feedback. I also need to contact Penny for her feedback.
I need to do time studies. And I need to make samples and get market feedback. I also need to contact Penny for her feedback.
June 6, 2011
Had a weekend and now I am at work. Susie and I did not quite come to blows and I am not at all sure how that happened. The whole weekend wasn't like that. We went over to Debbie's on Saturday and vacuumed, dusted and cleaned. Debbie's mother, Ida Rae, became quite ill with what turned out to be an aneurism. She underwent a long surgery to repair the damage. However, there was a blood clot that developed later. Ida Rae had a seizure and stopped breathing. She finally passed away last weekend. Debbie and her kids, now grown, have been busy with the details that come after. They left OK Sunday morning and stopped in NM for the night. Susie and I have been watching the cats who I am very sure will be more than happy to see their people today.
June 4, 2011
May 31, 2011
I still hate my job and I'm still OK with that.
There is no way I will do custom sewing. I learned that dislike from my mother. And the public wants the impossible for free or at cost.
Circumstances at work have gone from bad to worse. Three units moved in. and while they do have secretaries they are temp or on loan. I wonder if they even have a notary. So now I am feeling fucked over again. and I can tell that the receptionist is no longer loving her job.
There is no way I will do custom sewing. I learned that dislike from my mother. And the public wants the impossible for free or at cost.
Circumstances at work have gone from bad to worse. Three units moved in. and while they do have secretaries they are temp or on loan. I wonder if they even have a notary. So now I am feeling fucked over again. and I can tell that the receptionist is no longer loving her job.
May 29, 2011
May 24, 2011
~!@#$%^&*|> If I don't get fired today it will be a minor miracle. I am just ever loving P-Oed today. Medication or fed up? This feels more like fed up.
May 23, 2011
What a day today, and I am not even half way through. Some secretaries are more and more willing to wallow in ignorance and I find myself more and more willing to let them. Not sure what God is going to make of my attitude right now but it meets my current level of functionality. And God help us when the Metro offices show up this week. I have a sneaking suspicion that all hell is going to break loose.
May 21, 2011
May 20, 2011
I just might be able to meet my financial obligations this month. It's going to be close but doable.
And I still feel OK. I was just talking with Leslie and commenting that it has been a long time since I have felt this good. And I do mean good. I remember feeling this way in high school. Which, by the way, is not the last time I felt this way. It's just what I'm remembering. Probably because I am listening to some old music.
And I still feel OK. I was just talking with Leslie and commenting that it has been a long time since I have felt this good. And I do mean good. I remember feeling this way in high school. Which, by the way, is not the last time I felt this way. It's just what I'm remembering. Probably because I am listening to some old music.
May 19, 2011
I still feel good and I like that. Thank you God and Dr Campbell for the assist. Time to get more active on all fronts. I am rediscovering so many things that I had forgotten about. Including the fact that I love my life.
May 17, 2011
Halfway through the current cycle. Everything continues to be an issue. I continue to have happiness at times. So there is some progress. My meditation book showed up and I have been using it. Time to get back on track with yoga and walking. Both will help with my Hashimoto's.
May 14, 2011
May 13, 2011
So, it goes like this. While I work my way through the paperwork and online worksheets, I will open and Etsy store and start sewing and selling items there. I sent a message to Linda letting her know that she is helping me by setting the example.
What a life I have. God/Universe has provided me with a safety net, friends, a family, my job and a wealth experience. There are advisers and practitioners of the spiritual arts. This is going to work.
So, is this the desipramine? I am really happy right now. I don't like my job anymore and haven't for a long time. But that is OK because I am happy.
Yes, happy. For the first time in a long time I feel happy.
What a life I have. God/Universe has provided me with a safety net, friends, a family, my job and a wealth experience. There are advisers and practitioners of the spiritual arts. This is going to work.
So, is this the desipramine? I am really happy right now. I don't like my job anymore and haven't for a long time. But that is OK because I am happy.
Yes, happy. For the first time in a long time I feel happy.
May 12, 2011
So ... after realizing that frustration is a part of the problem, I did a little research. I think that this time I will be taking the first steps to starting my own business.
The goal, of course, is to be able to support myself. That is a large amount of money. A couple thousand a month would be nice. It is how much I wish I made now. Correction, it is how much I wish I brought home. Time to learn and grow. Time to start sewing.
The goal, of course, is to be able to support myself. That is a large amount of money. A couple thousand a month would be nice. It is how much I wish I made now. Correction, it is how much I wish I brought home. Time to learn and grow. Time to start sewing.
May 11, 2011
I am really struggling. I want to be happy, I want to feel good, I want a lot of things but happy is at the top of the list. I am so depressed and down and uneven. I feel like crying. And I would if I believed it would help.
Dr Campbell asked me about anxiety when I was in his office. I don't find that I am experiencing any anxiety just unhappy. And stress, my wants and my haves are not matching up and this is frustrating for me.
Dr Campbell asked me about anxiety when I was in his office. I don't find that I am experiencing any anxiety just unhappy. And stress, my wants and my haves are not matching up and this is frustrating for me.
May 10. 2011
I stayed home yesterday. More of a "mental Health" need than anything. I had called Dr Campbell and left a message on Friday. The new med has not worked out as well as we had hoped. I explained the physical symptoms I was experiencing and he recommended cutting the dose in half. The experiment continues ...
May 7, 2011
May 6, 2011
I saw Dr Swaminathan this morning. He says I am doing well but need to lose weight. He also recommends a vegetarian diet. This should be an easy transition as I already have a good smoothie recipe for breakfast. And lunch is nearly a vegetarian meal now.
May 5, 2011
Happy Cinqo De Mayo!
I feel kind of icky today. It could be the new medication or the really bad breakfast ... or both. Either way this isn't a good thing. If I didn't actually need the help I wouldn't be putting up with this.
I feel kind of icky today. It could be the new medication or the really bad breakfast ... or both. Either way this isn't a good thing. If I didn't actually need the help I wouldn't be putting up with this.
May 3, 2011
Made it safely home after all. And then I still woke up in the middle of the night .......
May 2, 2011
The really big news is that the US Navy SEALS caught up with Osama Bin Laden and killed him. Let's hear it for the US of A.
I have started a new medication called desipramine (Norpramine) and tried taking it in the morning today. I wasn't like this over the weekend when I took it at bedtime. My head is light and my legs do not feel certain. I may not be driving home tonight.
I have started a new medication called desipramine (Norpramine) and tried taking it in the morning today. I wasn't like this over the weekend when I took it at bedtime. My head is light and my legs do not feel certain. I may not be driving home tonight.
April 29, 2011
Today Prince William and Catherine Middleton got married. I saw parts of the ceremony here and there during the night. It is on the DVR so I will catch all the missed parts over the weekend.
April 27, 2011
WOW! Is this day going to be strange or what? I was hoping to get in early so that I could go to the viewing for Kathy's son. But her I am still waiting. Turns out this is also Secretary Day and others have made plans. I'm also waiting for one of Archie's clients to show up so I can do a notary. This is day three on that particular exercise.
Why am I feeling so sad for myself? I mean I am heavy-duty, down and out, no hope left, sit and sigh depressed. I talked with Dr Campbell on Monday and we are going to try adding another pill. Is this more of the Hashimoto's-Dysthymia issue? The Hashimoto's has been re-manifesting with a vengeance. Night time cramps in my legs and feet, sometimes in my ribs. It is just ever loving weird.
I WANT PUDDING!
And I sit here all day trying to convince myself that I don't really need comfort food. I feel like I am going nuts.
Why am I feeling so sad for myself? I mean I am heavy-duty, down and out, no hope left, sit and sigh depressed. I talked with Dr Campbell on Monday and we are going to try adding another pill. Is this more of the Hashimoto's-Dysthymia issue? The Hashimoto's has been re-manifesting with a vengeance. Night time cramps in my legs and feet, sometimes in my ribs. It is just ever loving weird.
I WANT PUDDING!
And I sit here all day trying to convince myself that I don't really need comfort food. I feel like I am going nuts.
April 25, 2011
OK. Talked with Dr Campbell this morning and he wants me to try something called desipramine. My depression is back with a vengeance. I have also decided to stop at Arrowhead Mall and walk on my way home. This is to supplement the walking I do at work.
April 21, 2011
I think I should ask Dr Campbell to increase my prozac. Or maybe something else would be better.
But then again, it may be pointless. If I am not working the program is there really any point to taking pills?
But then again, it may be pointless. If I am not working the program is there really any point to taking pills?
April 19, 2011
I'm fat and unhappy. What am I going to do about that?
I suppose I could stop eating sweets.
And I could get some more exercise.
I don't really over eat all that much.
I could make better food choices.
I suppose I could stop eating sweets.
And I could get some more exercise.
I don't really over eat all that much.
I could make better food choices.
April 18, 2011
It's official! Susie has colitis and has been given meds and a diet. Validation feels good. I feel bad that she caused herself this much pain but at least now she is more willing to accept the diagnosis.
Myself, I am happier that she is home and making progress. Now to get back to my own needs and issues. My Hashimoto's is back with a vengeance. I have cramping in my feet and legs and ribs like a charley-horse. It is clearly time to start yoga again. I have been waling at work again. And I started with the stairs too.
Myself, I am happier that she is home and making progress. Now to get back to my own needs and issues. My Hashimoto's is back with a vengeance. I have cramping in my feet and legs and ribs like a charley-horse. It is clearly time to start yoga again. I have been waling at work again. And I started with the stairs too.
April 14, 2011
April 12, 2011
Well f*** me. Right now it feels like that kind of day. Move one copier and all hell breaks out. Nevermind, that I had professional help. Nevermind, that it actually needed to be done. Sometimes taking initiative isn't all it's cracked up to be.
April 11, 2011
Susie is home so all is right with the world again. She is looking much better. Diarrhea is still an issue just not as bad as before.
And she appears to be happier. Now it remains to be seen if this will continue.
And she appears to be happier. Now it remains to be seen if this will continue.
April 8, 2011
Susie should be coming home today. I still don't know if we will be doing this "couples" counseling that was being discussed earlier. I am looking forward to seeing her. Susie has been gone for a week and the pets and I miss her.
I also miss visiting with my father. I have been trying to get to Gilbert for two weeks now and really need to get there this weekend. It is good for me to see him.
I also miss visiting with my father. I have been trying to get to Gilbert for two weeks now and really need to get there this weekend. It is good for me to see him.
April 7, 2011
My father is still a smart ass and it's OK if he reads that.
What a week! It has been a long time coming but I have really enjoyed having the house to myself.
What a week! It has been a long time coming but I have really enjoyed having the house to myself.
April 6, 2011
!~@#$%^&*(+=:}?>/
What a mess I find myself in this time. Susie completely flipped out. On the 31st I took her back to the ER. Susie was told that she did not qualify for a medical admission so she played the mental health card. She told them that if they sent her home she would take a bottle of painkillers. Not only did Susie get kept but it is now 2 days past the 72 hour hold and the doctors are keeping her another 2 days. I hope she didn't make a mistake. Her diarrhea is being treated but has not cleared up. And the hospital Susie was sent to is a behavioral health facility. The doctors are doing what they can but she really needs a specialist.
As for background, boy howdy. A couple of years ago Susie had similar symptoms due in part to a medication overdose. The other part is a mild colitis that she chooses to ignore. This time around I suggested that Susie stop taking the diarrhea side-effect pills. But no, she wouldn't do that. Well, not until the doctors stopped giving it to her. Silly Susie.
And further background, Susie is in some real financial trouble. She is getting ready to file bankruptcy. That would be the major stresser. This is all such a mess. AND she is at risk of loosing her job. Susie's current job requires attendance, which she has been especially lacking. She wants to retire but can't afford the pay cut. Susie would then like to go on disability but doesn't qualify for that. and neither of us has won the lottery ...
What a mess I find myself in this time. Susie completely flipped out. On the 31st I took her back to the ER. Susie was told that she did not qualify for a medical admission so she played the mental health card. She told them that if they sent her home she would take a bottle of painkillers. Not only did Susie get kept but it is now 2 days past the 72 hour hold and the doctors are keeping her another 2 days. I hope she didn't make a mistake. Her diarrhea is being treated but has not cleared up. And the hospital Susie was sent to is a behavioral health facility. The doctors are doing what they can but she really needs a specialist.
As for background, boy howdy. A couple of years ago Susie had similar symptoms due in part to a medication overdose. The other part is a mild colitis that she chooses to ignore. This time around I suggested that Susie stop taking the diarrhea side-effect pills. But no, she wouldn't do that. Well, not until the doctors stopped giving it to her. Silly Susie.
And further background, Susie is in some real financial trouble. She is getting ready to file bankruptcy. That would be the major stresser. This is all such a mess. AND she is at risk of loosing her job. Susie's current job requires attendance, which she has been especially lacking. She wants to retire but can't afford the pay cut. Susie would then like to go on disability but doesn't qualify for that. and neither of us has won the lottery ...
March 25, 2011
Payday is the day at the office when I feel the least useful. So I look for things to do and try to get out for errands.
March 24, 2011
Well, this is going to be a bad year for my asthma. I went to the ER at Deer Valley last week and several hours later I was released. They used the word pneumonia. BUT my doctor said the bloodwork was normal so no infection. This is the second time I have had a false alarm on pneumonia. I might look into a specialist to help me this under control.
March 5, 2011
March 1, 2011
I forgot my book this morning and now I want to write and am stuck typing instead. :-PPP
So, the light bulb finally got changed in the tail light. The directions in the owners manual are a little cockeyed. It took the combined effort of Bill, Tom, Tommy and myself to get it done. I also have several boxes of "stuff" to sort into other boxes and take to Goodwill. Dad is insisting on a receipt for taxes this time around. AND he wants his good boxes back.
So, the light bulb finally got changed in the tail light. The directions in the owners manual are a little cockeyed. It took the combined effort of Bill, Tom, Tommy and myself to get it done. I also have several boxes of "stuff" to sort into other boxes and take to Goodwill. Dad is insisting on a receipt for taxes this time around. AND he wants his good boxes back.
February 28, 2011
"I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind..." Charlie Sheen
Not that I recommend him as a role model or life coach, but he has a point to make.
Not that I recommend him as a role model or life coach, but he has a point to make.
February 23, 2011
So, what is it going to take? Change my work schedule altogether? That would be a no. Well, time to win the lottery. That's all there is to it.
February 22, 2011
I did not get any meditative thinking in so my vision is still fully as awful as it was on Monday. PLUS,my coughing was bad enough at Mike and Dannie's that I was told I shouldn't go to the graveside service. Nothing like being told to stay away is there?
February 11, 2011
YIKES! I had an uncomfortable glimpse of myself yesterday. I looked completely demented, out of touch, inappropriate, useless, awkward, greasy-haired, in the way, fat, fumbling, in short if it was me it was wrong.
So, what do I do about all this?
This is going to take some thinking.
So, what do I do about all this?
This is going to take some thinking.
February 15, 2011
February 10, 2011
I am giving some thought to early retirement in 2013 and need a part-time job to supplement my income. Towards that end I am considering sewing for the public. This is something my mother hated to do and it is a fear I need to conquer. So, perhaps starting small would be a good way to go about this.
Not doing well emotionally right now. Money is the big issue. And work. I know there is no perfect job, and no perfect life, and no perfect worker, and no perfect boss, and no perfect friend, and no perfect family - but that doesn't stop me from wanting that perfection.
Not doing well emotionally right now. Money is the big issue. And work. I know there is no perfect job, and no perfect life, and no perfect worker, and no perfect boss, and no perfect friend, and no perfect family - but that doesn't stop me from wanting that perfection.
February 9, 2011
A little sad news. Dannie's mother passed away last night at about 2:00 AM. As a result, we got up around 4:00 so I actually got to work on time. This is one of those cases where we are sad that she is gone but we are happy that the pain is over.
February 7, 2011
I got a little more sewing done. Susie and I had a long talk yesterday and she might be getting the idea that sewing is very relaxing for me.
And I have an assignment for this week. I need to find a park or shopping area or someplace that I can stop on the way home and meditate.
Foothills Library?
And I have an assignment for this week. I need to find a park or shopping area or someplace that I can stop on the way home and meditate.
Foothills Library?
February 5, 2011
February 4, 2011
IF I am eating myself into oblivion, THEN why don’t I stop before it is too late?
IF I am unhappy in a certain area, THEN why don’t I "move" out of that area?
Announcing a change in the way I create my blog. Typing is no longer giving me the physical satisfaction that I need. So I will go back to writing longhand and then typing the my words into this blog.
February 2, 2011
February already. We are getting quite the cold snap this week. Tomorrow will be in the 40’s and then in the 50’s after that. Our overnight is expected to go well below freezing. I am planning to actually get my heavy wool winter coat out of the closet.
Had some chocolate. Now I want more
January 31, 2011
Oye, what a day. I took the new training about e-mail and yikes. What a bunch of )!*@&#^($%.
January 29, 2011
January 28, 2011
)!*@&$(^ This is how I feel. Too f-ing poor, too many f-ing hot flashes, too f-ing fat, too f-ing tired, too f-ing bored. AND NOW MY BOSS IS LEAVING! No one wants her to leave but we really don’t have that big a choice. She has taken a job with the police department that will allow her to work towards her goal of forensic analyst.
January 27, 2011
I did some pre-sewing prep work last night. I realized that the panels I had cut were way too big for my current project. I have no clue how that happened. It may have something to do with being a late evening and post drinky-poo activity.
January 25, 2011
Kind of pissed at Kelly now. I have been trying to get in touch with her since her surgery. She seems to be dodging me. But I need to talk to her about her leave time and personnel issues that she may not be aware of. So, now her get well cards are being mailed to her parent’s house since I assume that is where she STILL is. And I know this was a big surgery and recovery is not simple like mine was so I am working on thinking well of her. In this case the problem is me.
The trial for the Iraqi father that killed his daughter has started. I am so glad that I did not get a jury summons for this trial. BUT, I would love to be able to sit in and watch the trial.
January 24, 2011
So far so good. I am now able to recognize the thyroid symptom that was causing me to fall and be unstable on my feet. Now to do something about it. Walking will help as will getting on the stationary cycle. But mostly, I need to start doing yoga again. It will help tremendously.
January 22, 2011
January 21, 2011
)!*@&#^$(% This had been my day so far.
Must have more meditation time. It will help with the )!*@&#^$(%’s.
January 20, 2011
There must be more sewing! Sewing is so good for that stress management that is so necessary.
January 19, 2011
While I am not exactly sewing I am working on a design trying to figure out how to get this purse going.
I actually went to church on Sunday and lightening did not strike. I attended the Relief Society class and found it to be very interesting. The lesson was about sacrifice. I learned that 1) this job is where I am supposed to be 2) I am thankful for some of the sacrifices I see 3) I wish more families involved with CPS understood sacrifice.
Just got off the phone with my friend Kathy D. Her step-mother had a surgery similar to the one I had. Her thyroid was removed and the mass that they found was one solid mass and it is determined to be cancer. So now they are going to start her on iodine treatments and see what further testing can tell them about her condition.
January 16, 2011
January 13, 2011
Well, in AZ there has been a shooting and the aftermath of that event accompanied a never ending commentary. It appears that a young man that may be schizophrenic shot at and killed or wounded several people at a town hall meeting in Tucson. First, as a schizophrenic, why wasn't he getting any help? Did people just think he was a jerk and not realize that there was a problem? Where his parents so out of touch that they did not recognize that there was a problem? As the news stories started breaking and more details of his behavior were released I started to think there might be a mental health issue. But I work for CPS and see a side of this part of the world that the general public doesn't. I also thought to myself that perhaps people are so blinded by a "laissez faire" he-is-living-his-life type of attitude that maybe people just don't concern themselves. Very sad either way.
Second, this raises, yet again, the fact that AZ has some of the more relaxed gun control laws in the country. Yes, there are checks but how easy it is to get around them?
Third, there was a "memorial" service Wednesday that appeared to be more of a political ally. If this had been Septmeber or October of an election year I would not have been surprised. I enjoyed the President's speech and liked the comments that we need to bring more civility into our public discourse. My problem with the event was the part where it did not seem to be a memorial service. Yes, the victims were memorialized but it felt very much like a politacal rally. Odd.
Second, this raises, yet again, the fact that AZ has some of the more relaxed gun control laws in the country. Yes, there are checks but how easy it is to get around them?
Third, there was a "memorial" service Wednesday that appeared to be more of a political ally. If this had been Septmeber or October of an election year I would not have been surprised. I enjoyed the President's speech and liked the comments that we need to bring more civility into our public discourse. My problem with the event was the part where it did not seem to be a memorial service. Yes, the victims were memorialized but it felt very much like a politacal rally. Odd.
January 12, 2011
OK, it has come upon me. I do not feel like working today. I did bring a sewing project with me so I can work on that If I really to at least look busy.
And now, for the sad news of the day. Yet another boss is leaving me. Gretel got hired by Peoria Police Dept. This allows her to get her foot in the door towards forensics and crime scene work.
And now, for the sad news of the day. Yet another boss is leaving me. Gretel got hired by Peoria Police Dept. This allows her to get her foot in the door towards forensics and crime scene work.
January 11, 2011
Well, I can tell you I absolutely do not want to stay at CPS. And I truly want to be wealthy enough to just stop working and go sew my days away.
January 6, 2011
Anger is a physiological response to a threat to something you want. I want peace in the office. When John made a deal with Connie for Victor's van this upset the balance of peace. This is why I got so angry the other day.
January 5, 2011
I hopefully worked out a good plan of action for my dietary endevors. 2.5 cups of vegetables should be doable plus I am allowed an additional 2 cups of lettuce free. 2 cups of fruit, e cups of milk or dairy, 6 oz of whole grains and 5.5 oz of meat, nuts or beans. Hm .......
Why aren't I meditating? What am I afraid of? Will I miss something?
Why aren't I meditating? What am I afraid of? Will I miss something?
January 4, 2011
So, this is day 4 of my new cycle. I have not sewn yet this week. I will need to amend that. I have been trying to be more mindful of my diet and keeping better track of what I eat. I did thake the stairs at work today but am not really exercising yet. I have a goal of losing 12-15 lbs by the end of this cycle.
January 3, 2011
Why is it that I get pissed so easily? Kind of unreal how quickly it comes up. Is this something I learned at home? Is there a good way to deal with anger? True, I have come a long way. But there are clearly some issues remaining.
January 1, 2011
December 29, 2010
OK, one more time 50 lbs, yes, 50 lbs will leave my body next year. Basically, that works out to 1 lb a week. And I am already a lot healthier since my surgery. I see Dr Griffith on the 10th and we will be having quite a discussion. I feel so different than I did a few weeks ago. I mean I literally had a major improvement the very next day after the surgery.
December 28, 2010
I can have anything I want as long as I can clearly visualize it. Now there is a concept that I can enjoy. So, just imagine, 5 pallets of $100 bill packets each stacked 90 layers deep, THAT is $500,000,000.00.
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