August 23, 2009

Birthdays and Such

OK. So, yesterday was Dad's birthday, he is 78 now.

I drove out to Gilbert and spent most of the day with him. We talked about a lot of things. Money, Mom, old sewing machines, growing old. He talked about the last few months that Mom was alive and how she seemed very different and that her health was really going downhill. I asked him how much of that was due to the blockage and if the surgery hod not gone so horribly wrong would her health be much better. He thinks yes and no. Some of her issues were due to less oxygen getting through and some was due to her genetic heritage.

He is still finding old "treasures" to share. He picked up an old machine a Sincere (?) that had enough problems to make the $10 he spent for it at Goodwill a bad investment. He also mentioned that there was an old Singer there. From the description it sounded like a Featherweight. I told him that was one he should have bought. He also had a basket of old trim that he found while dumpster diving and I encouraged him to share it with the folks at Goodwill.

He also told me a story about how he "died" once when he was a kid. He and his sister Janet went to a movie one Saturday and were riding their bikes home afterwards. He was hit by someone driving a car at night. Now you have to understand that this happened in 1944 and Arizona had a fairly low population at the time. So, his Dad and a neighbor came to the crash site and picked him up and drove him to the hospital. And he talks about seeing all this happen from outside of his body which is why he says he died that night. But he remembers being very aware and present when the nurse cleaned the wound and sewed the stitches. Wartime, no anesthetic. Or at least not for that type of injury.

I asked him if he needed a kid to move in with him. He said no. He also said maybe in a couple of years.

We talked about the possibility of him becoming a snowbird. Summers in Idaho and Winters in Arizona. He would like to be able to do that but feels that he would not be able to sell the house. It is a really bad house. It has some serious foundation issues. And then there is the "junkyard" that he is still growing. Hmm ...

August 20, 2009

Day 61
In what do you find meaning now or think that you can find meaning in the future?

Right now I find meaning in helping friends and quilting.

Describe who or what you trust and to what degree.

Trust – there is a loaded concept. There are people that I know what I can trust them to do or not do. There are organizations that I know that I can trust to make an effort. I trust my doctors.

August 19

Day 60
Two-thirds of the way through this 90 day shift. What have I accomplished? It doesn’t feel like much. I haven’t done any quilting or at least not very much. I have a fair amount of un-sewing to do before I can start sewing again. If you quilt you also un-sew. Just get used to it.

What things, people or circumstances have you tried to control in the past and how has that turned out?

I have tried to control family, friends and enemies with varying degrees of success. I am probably my most notable failure. But that doesn’t mean that I am going to be able to let go.

Do you think that God will be able to handle your life better than you have?

No doubt, God can do a better job. The question is can I let go?

How do you feel in general about turning your life over to God?

I have very mixed feelings. I know that it is what I need to do but I have a huge fear about letting go. In some areas I have let go so perhaps I need a bit more patience.

In what ways will you keep up the process of turning your life over to God?

I the past, recent and distant, I have at times been able to turn parts of my life over to God. So I do expect the process to continue. I just don’t know that others will understand. And to quote from the workbook, “Possibilities include going to religious services, 12 Step meetings, meeting with others in recovery, writing a journal, service to others, meditation, reading, physical exercise, contacting your sponsor or engaging in therapy.”

How would you answer the question "Who am I"?

My answer is that I am Martha. I am a spiritual daughter of God. And in the past that has had a very harsh and unwelcome meaning.

How would you answer the question "Who is God"? In other words, describe God as you understand God.

I understand God to be a spiritual force inside of my soul that has revealed itself to me in various forms. My favorite image of this force is of the Healing Goddess who performed a spiritual healing on me some years ago in a dream. I sometimes refer to this as my Perfected Goddess Self.

August 5, 2009

Day 46

600 steps to walk around the building and 600 x 5 is 3000 steps. Add that to the 2000 is get on a low day and I have 5000 steps. So, I can make that as a start to my new health commitment.

August 3, 2009

Day 44
I went and checked out the Dollar Tree today. There is some interesting stuff to be found in the local dollar stores. I plan to decorate the office out of that store this year. And there is a 99 Cents Store at 83rd Ave and TBird Rd if I can’t find what I want at one I should be able to find it at the other.

Recall some of your best friends from childhood or adolescence. Describe what you liked best about them and what they liked best about you? Do you think that these qualities have any relationship to a Higher Power? Explain.

My friends were there when my family rejected me. And they always have been. Not so sure about Danni but most of my friends understand what I have had to deal with. When I was a teenager they were a sounding board that I could use to explore ideas about God and religion.

I feel now that I am ready to tackle Step 3 – I make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God.

What are your greatest fears about giving up control over your life to God as you understand God?

My greatest fear is that unscrupulous individuals will abuse me in the name of God.