This last week I had occasion to remember Michael Jackson. On Thursday, June 25th he passed away suddenly at the age of 50, just a few months older than me.
Many of the news and music channels have been playing his videos and this has caused me to remember how much fun his music is. From the Jackson 5 on down through his solo career it was fun to dance and sing along. I never met him but there was a connection through the search for fun and finding it in his music.
June 28, 2009
June 27, 2009
June 24, 2009
Day 6
I came across a term while reading the Big Book yesterday – vital/effective spiritual experience. Some of the people in know that are in 12 Step programs or have worked with AA are not recognizing the phrase. I should stop being so fussy.
Part of my issue with food and eating is boredom. In fact it is a large part of my issue. Does focus mean being interested in my life? DUH!
I came across a term while reading the Big Book yesterday – vital/effective spiritual experience. Some of the people in know that are in 12 Step programs or have worked with AA are not recognizing the phrase. I should stop being so fussy.
Part of my issue with food and eating is boredom. In fact it is a large part of my issue. Does focus mean being interested in my life? DUH!
June 24, 2009
June 22, 2009
Day 4
If your addictive behavior contributed to excessive spending, describe the situations and why you did it.
If your addictive behavior contributed to excessive spending, describe the situations and why you did it.
I often overspend when it comes to food so that I can eat foods that are not healthy, mostly foods with high sugar content. It has gotten to the point where I can eat a whole bag of cookies or pint of ice cream in one sitting. Then there is the overspending that I have done because it felt good. I have from time to time felt compelled to spend/buy/own things. Just things. And just own. I have given away a fair amount of things that I bought and then never used.
Describe any memory lapses where you cannot account for where you were.
I’m not sure that my answer will qualify but it will show what I am dealing with. There are blank spaces in my memory, mostly in my childhood. When the family was together for Mom’s funeral, my siblings were describing a situation from the past and I had no recall whatsoever of the event. But listening to the description I am sure that I must have been at the family gathering described I just cannot remember it.
June 23, 2009
June 21, 2009
Day 3
I have taken several days off from work and been at home working on house stuff. Yesterday, I finally got to the floors. The upstairs carpet has been shampooed and the downstairs tile has been mopped. Today I am on my way to Gilbert and spend some time with Dad. Don't know what I am going to do when he passes away. I am for sure not ready for him to go. He'll probably outlive us all the way he is going.
I have not been working on my 12 Steps. Step 1 is still where I am and I am not facing the addiction. It's still in control.
I have taken several days off from work and been at home working on house stuff. Yesterday, I finally got to the floors. The upstairs carpet has been shampooed and the downstairs tile has been mopped. Today I am on my way to Gilbert and spend some time with Dad. Don't know what I am going to do when he passes away. I am for sure not ready for him to go. He'll probably outlive us all the way he is going.
I have not been working on my 12 Steps. Step 1 is still where I am and I am not facing the addiction. It's still in control.
June 19, 2009
June 18, 2009
Day 91
Just a few more days to the Summer Solstice.
Evidently, I was on a tear yesterday. People have been talking about Scary Martha again. I did yell at Michelle for being overly helpful to the case managers. Part of the sobriety thing???
Describe any illnesses that have resulted from your addictive behaviors.
I have type II diabetes, high cholesterol, and at risk for heart failure and stroke. My doctor predicts that I will have to have my legs amputated below the knees.
Just a few more days to the Summer Solstice.
Evidently, I was on a tear yesterday. People have been talking about Scary Martha again. I did yell at Michelle for being overly helpful to the case managers. Part of the sobriety thing???
Describe any illnesses that have resulted from your addictive behaviors.
I have type II diabetes, high cholesterol, and at risk for heart failure and stroke. My doctor predicts that I will have to have my legs amputated below the knees.
June 17, 2009
Day 90
The search for sobriety continues.
So, what is my relationship with God anyway?
Describe times and ways that you have significantly neglected or damaged relationships with your loved ones in order to indulge in your addictive behaviors or because you were recovering from your addictive behaviors.
The search for sobriety continues.
So, what is my relationship with God anyway?
Describe times and ways that you have significantly neglected or damaged relationships with your loved ones in order to indulge in your addictive behaviors or because you were recovering from your addictive behaviors.
June 16, 2009
Day 89
Last night I read Chapter 1 of the Big Book. It helps me recognize how out of control my addiction is. And I had to change that sentence from this addiction to my addiction. I have to make a real ownership to complete Step 1. Also, I need to define my relationship with God. This is going to be a very essential part of recovery.
If other people have told you how your addiction has hurt them, then write down what they said.
There have been occasions when people have told me that I have hurt them by ignoring them and not being available to them. However, when it came right down to their actual need it was for me to do their work for them. So while they were in fact manifesting a bit of their own addiction I was so caught up on my addiction that I was unable to see their need.
People have also told me that there is a wall or barrier that I don’t let down and thus do not allow any closeness. From my point of view the wall is there to protect me.
Last night I read Chapter 1 of the Big Book. It helps me recognize how out of control my addiction is. And I had to change that sentence from this addiction to my addiction. I have to make a real ownership to complete Step 1. Also, I need to define my relationship with God. This is going to be a very essential part of recovery.
If other people have told you how your addiction has hurt them, then write down what they said.
There have been occasions when people have told me that I have hurt them by ignoring them and not being available to them. However, when it came right down to their actual need it was for me to do their work for them. So while they were in fact manifesting a bit of their own addiction I was so caught up on my addiction that I was unable to see their need.
People have also told me that there is a wall or barrier that I don’t let down and thus do not allow any closeness. From my point of view the wall is there to protect me.
June 15, 2009
Day 88
OK, I went and had my ultrasound today. It was not quite what I expected. It seemed to be the pancreas, gallbladder and bladder this time. I was expecting it to be my kidneys. Silly Martha.
Have you seriously damaged your relationships with other people because of your addictive behaviors? If so, list the relationships and how you damaged them.
I have stolen from my family, friends and co-workers to support my habit. And I have often used in front of the same people. Sometimes ending up in a stupor/blind drunk and having to let others take care of me instead of accepting responsibility for my well-being.
Why do I start crying every time I think about starting AA meetings
OK, I went and had my ultrasound today. It was not quite what I expected. It seemed to be the pancreas, gallbladder and bladder this time. I was expecting it to be my kidneys. Silly Martha.
Have you seriously damaged your relationships with other people because of your addictive behaviors? If so, list the relationships and how you damaged them.
I have stolen from my family, friends and co-workers to support my habit. And I have often used in front of the same people. Sometimes ending up in a stupor/blind drunk and having to let others take care of me instead of accepting responsibility for my well-being.
Why do I start crying every time I think about starting AA meetings
June 13, 2009
Day 86
Hi, my name is Martha M and I am an addict. I am working on Step 1. I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable.
Hi, my name is Martha M and I am an addict. I am working on Step 1. I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable.
June 13, 2009
June 12, 2009
Day 85
Something happened this morning.
Something happened this morning.
I was feeling icky so I checked my blood sugar and it was 83. So, I stopped at a Jack In The Box to get a soda. Their soda machine wasn’t working so I got a smoothie. I had a couple sips and nearly blacked out. In fact, nearly may not be the right word to describe what was going on. I pulled into the middle turn lane and put the van in park and turned on the emergency flashers and grabbed my phone and tried to decide if I needed to call 911. After a few minutes I started to feel OK and I drove back to the office. VERY CAREFULLY.
Heart attack? TIA? Really bad brain freeze?
Next, I was reviewing my quilt blog and need to apologize to myself for a complete cock-up that I have made of the first half of this year. I had dedicated this year to diet and exercise and so far I have done plenty of neither. So, back on the bike, reapply the pedometer, and maybe the 12 steps can help with the eating.
Step 1 - I admit I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable.
June 8, 2009
Day 81
I am slowly but surely catching up to my job. I have been sorting through several boxes of closed files. I finally made some Ongoing Files. People have been bugging me for them.
I am slowly but surely catching up to my job. I have been sorting through several boxes of closed files. I finally made some Ongoing Files. People have been bugging me for them.
I exercised this morning. 30 minutes on the stationary bike with varying degrees of awareness. Hey, it’s a start.
June 3, 2009
Day 76
Well, I saw Dr Griffith on Monday. He is very unhappy with my bloodwork and the fact that things are getting worse again. I did not tell him that I have had a great deal of difficulty remembering to take my medication. Or perhaps the right way to put that is make myself take my medication.
Well, I saw Dr Griffith on Monday. He is very unhappy with my bloodwork and the fact that things are getting worse again. I did not tell him that I have had a great deal of difficulty remembering to take my medication. Or perhaps the right way to put that is make myself take my medication.
May 28, 2009
Day 70
Things are finally getting to slow down. Finally.
Bill was here from Idaho and visited with Dad. I drove out on Sunday and several of us had dinner.
I have to confess that I am kind of jealous that Bill spent time with Dad. I was getting used to having Dad all to myself, so to speak. I have really enjoyed being able to go and spend time with him. He is not the ogre I once took him for. Mind you he cultivated the illusion and for a reason. My being was a mistake in a lot of ways.
Things are finally getting to slow down. Finally.
Bill was here from Idaho and visited with Dad. I drove out on Sunday and several of us had dinner.
I have to confess that I am kind of jealous that Bill spent time with Dad. I was getting used to having Dad all to myself, so to speak. I have really enjoyed being able to go and spend time with him. He is not the ogre I once took him for. Mind you he cultivated the illusion and for a reason. My being was a mistake in a lot of ways.
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